The Ugly Tomboy

Middle School: Too Queer To Live, Too High To Care...

TW: Opiate use, underage drug use, gender dysphoria, and bullying.

When I entered middle school, I wasn’t exactly set up for success. I was quietly facing severe gender dysphoria, an opioid addiction, emotionally absent parents, and few friends in a school where I didn't fit in. It set the stage for a few very complicated years ahead.

I began developing breasts in fifth grade. Girls in my class were buzzing with excitement about shopping trips for their first training bras. I was screaming internally. I didn’t want to wear a bra– or anything that marked me as feminine. I couldn’t decide what I hated more: the idea of wearing a bra, or how things were beginning to look without one. I eventually settled on a tight, soul-suffocating sports bra. I distinctly remember telling a classmate with absolute certainty, “When I grow up I’m gonna cut my boobs off and change my name to Nikki”.